My New Year resolution

I haven’t ever REALLY done these. Of course, I’ve made a quiet promise to myself to try to loose some weight and try to do my best at things; but I do that practically on a daily basis. The promise, I mean. I really suck at follow thru. A synonym for resolution is Declaration. I here by pick up my posture, chin up and declare to find myself this year. I’ve let myself get lost somewhere inside me and I’m just a shell going thru the motions. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more than that, but I do remember a time in my life when I thought there’s still hope for me yet; to become a better person. I remember how that felt because I’m feeling it right now. It’s been years since. I KNOW I haven’t been doing the best I can in so many things. It’s time to face the facts: I’m an underachiever. Every time I start something new, I over criticize myself and my actions and slowly pull myself into a ditch. I manage to convince myself that is where I belong; that I’ll never be anything but this tiny person who should not dream. Maybe it’s the way people treated me when I was growing up, the way they talked to me. Like I was just someone to fill an empty space. Or more like I was an empty space. I’ve always felt inferior to others. I’ve had big dreams for myself but buried them deep within me; labeling them unviable. Thinking, I’m not good enough to have such dreams.

Reinvention is the word. I’m going to rid myself of this feeling of incapacity. It’s about time that I grew a backbone, found my voice and stood tall. Nah, that doesn’t sound original. I’m going to get fit, both physically and emotionally. No more shyness that’s starting to cause panic attacks. No more bad self-esteem. I know there are things I could be really good at if I worked on them. And I’m going to start listening to the small voice inside my head that keeps yelling “You can do it! You can do what you plan!” In this past year I’ve grown this resolve during my moments of introspection and felt my depression slowly move past me, just a little bit. It’s like a peak of sunshine after ages of cloudiness. I know if I can find my inner strength, I can push the clouds away for good.

I will rid my chains and declare my independence!

How’s that for New year’s resolution? *sniggers*